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Musings, Witticisms (only just), and Random Spewings
Glenwood Springs... The last time I was here was summer, 1989...

I'm staying with friends, working, and looking for a place of my own, or at least a place to share with folks a little more on my level (gypsies, travelers). I am thankful for the opportunity I've been allowed,  to face, discover and explore the inner-workings of me, but seriously: This sucks! Okay - Not all of this process I've been going through is bad - In fact, this is exactly where I need to be, and what I've been experiencing in my time here is exactly what I need to be experiencing. It's not exactly a "fluffy cushion"; all easy-going an' fancy-free tho' - This has been a very uncomfortable (even painful) and awkward time for me, but I am learning and facing-down some very old habits that in the past have cost me dearly...

This past year... *sigh*

The most significant, pivotal point of last year was going to Burning Man, and meeting Corine. Yeah, yeah - I've been talking about almost "nothing but" since last September '07, but it's true. I've also met some very colorful characters since my separation and divorce in 2005, and each meeting has been very important, and I believe, "meant to be". It may seem a little self-centered to some when I say that each one has been an important occurrence; a milestone for me - What about their experience? What about what they have taken from our mutual association? I cannot speak for the others involved - I  can only hope that they have gained something at least equally important from the time spent... I can only focus on what I have kept with me from those associations. I've also burnt quite a few bridges along the way - Some out of ignorance or childish selfishness; others because they needed to be burnt to protect myself - One "bridge" in particular stands-out for me; a colorful character; fascinating and attractive in their own right... Timing is everything, eh? The timing wasn't right for certain aspects of that association, but every-bit right-on for what what I eventually realized and gained from the experience - That time in my life; the time spent with that person , prepared me for the next step in my personal evolution, and paved the way for my being open to meeting Corine. As for Corine...? That is a very long story, and one that I will be thinking about for quite some time I imagine, before I will be ready to truly begin documenting our experiences together in any great detail...

I've come a long way since the summer of 2005, but I often feel that I haven't come quite as far as I should have by now... I have many regrets, unfulfilled wishes and dreams, and many, many questions still unanswered. I have wanted to give-up on more than one occasion, and once seriously came very close... BUT - I'm still here, pluggin'-away. I'm not ready to "throw in the towel" just yet...
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Packing my bags again,
But this feels different...
Wrong

The sun sets as I watch from the window of a speeding bus threading it's way through early-evening traffic,
Surprisingly nimble...

Somewhere behind me, my heart remains sitting under a tree
A green caterpillar to the left,
A blue turtle to the right

Randomly, an old crazy hippie stumbles-by looking to trade hash for weed...

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When it comes, I'll know
But will it ever get here?
Piece of mind... Wisdom...

What am I doing?
I left the trail too soon
I ended the dream...

Overloaded bags
It's not all going to fit...
I fucking hate this

I didn't find it
Because it doesn't exist
It's time to let-go...

Finally - Calm. Peace.
A change of scenery - Distance
It's not me, nor you...

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There comes a point in time I believe, where one suddenly wakes-up and realizes that one has only been "pretending" to live life - Pretending... Make-believe-ing... Day-dreaming... All-the-while not actually doing or accomplishing anything... What have I actually accomplished with my life? Very little. Things I dream of doing... Things I want to do and be - What steps have I taken to do or to be...?

Maybe one or two steps...
Out of the hundreds necessary to learn, grow, evolve, gain experience...

In my recent journeys into myself, outside of myself, and with other people, I've discovered that not only have I abilities and skills noteworthy of pursuing and developing, but that I have been incredibly lazy and lackadaisical concerning the pursuing or developing of said abilities, skills, etc...

I have within this past year found an honest-to-goodness, real-life, living and breathing modern-day Muse that inspires and activates certain parts of my heart and mind... This person reminds me of the beautiful things in life, and that anything truly is possible if we only dare to believe it. When I first met this person, I knew immediately that it was a significant event. During my recent interactions and travels with this person I experienced some of the most intense emotions I have ever experienced, and been at my highest, and lowest... Now that I am back in the "familiar world", I am able to see more clearly what my time with this person really meant to me, and for me... On some level, she’s a step away from being a larger-than-life, almost-fictional character out of a fairy-tale. Many of the people her and I met along the way as we traveled seemed to dismiss her as crazy, or silly, or just plain "out there", but her brand of "crazy" (personally, I think she's more sane, present and aware than the people labeling her otherwise) resonates with me and touches me in ways that no one else I have ever met has. When I am able to detach for a moment from the whirlwind that is my mind, the memories I have of her influence serve to jog, prod, activate, inspire... Perhaps ultimately that is the reason for our meeting... I s'pose whether or not our meeting was fated is irrelevant - The lingering reality, the result of our meeting for me has been nothing short of an awakening; a slow but steady, awkward and incredibly painful, yet joyful, purposeful awakening... On the surface, she is simply a beautiful and enchanting young woman, with quirks and flaws like any other human being. The energy she plays with, attracts, has been given, etc. is a different story... Now, understand that for all my praise and recognition, she does not reside on some ornate, ivory pedestal in the special, "sacred" places of my mind – I fully recognize, am aware of, and can clearly distinguish between the woman, the energy, and how I perceive and react to that energy. Dunno how to explain any further really… Prolly just a waste of words, ‘cause from here it’s all about what’s going-on inside this shell o’mine; my journey, not yours, eh? Bottom line is that she was a catalyst for me; the right type of energy and influence that I needed at the time, and that influence and energy lingers and continues to serve as both a comfort, and a boot in the ass when I need it - For all the potential I have to be and to do certain things, none of it means a damned thing if I never apply myself and study, learn, and practice - For some reason, out-of-the blue, one specific human being with the right mix of chaos and rhythm showed-up at the right place and the right time to knock some sense into this thick skull o’mine; on more than one occasion, and several of those occasions completely unexpectedly. Hey, I know I ain’t nothin’ special in the grand scheme of things - I have however remained open to the possibility of change and growth – I think that is the important key here: open. That’s why I believe I meet the people that I do, and wind-up in many of the places I’ve been – Because I’m open, and searching…

Some days just suck horribly.

Some days however, I have the privilege of meeting and befriending the most interesting people…








Images:
#1 - "Corine.03" - Photo-Collage by Alexandre Morin - Montreal, Quebec, Canada.
#2 - "Corine.05" -  " "
Model: Corine Roy-McInnes (aka: "mon petit papillon")
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I was late – Days late…
Timing is everything, no?
My dream washed away…

Two spoons - Mine: Yellow.
One bowl - "Por dos, por favor"
Green was her color
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Now, more than ever, I realize and believe that home is not a place - it's a state of mind. I haven't "come home" - I've merely returned to the location I started from at the end of January. I felt more "at home" during my little journey away from everything familiar and "homey" than I think I ever have while living in Colorado in the various "homes" I've inhabited over the years. I've mos'-def got gypsy-blood in my veins, and now that I've had a genuine taste of something new and unfamiliar, my hunger for travel and exploration has been awakened to a degree I haven't before experienced. I've learned many valuable things on this first of many journeys into the "unknown world", and this day of my return to "point zero" marks the beginning of my prep for the next journey which I hope will last much longer and cover far more ground...

Yeah - I've returned to the place of my birth, but I have by no means returned "home".

Here's a little personal observation I wrote just before leaving for Mexico:

"Time stands-still the moment you realize a critical, life-transforming change is about to happen.
The act of dying, or near-death experiences are not the only moments where one's life can flash before their eyes...
This act of stepping outside of my old, familiar "box" is similar in a way to death, as well as a beginning of sorts.
The time I've spent up here in the hills, has been demoralizing, and painful...
I hesitate to use the word enlightening, because I don't feel "enlightened"; rather I've faced some unpleasant truths and realized a few things about myself and the way I interact with and effect other people, and how I let them effect me.

Who you are, is you
Who I am; a mystery
The mirror tells tales...

Who should I believe?
What should I pursue, in truth?
Remind me; a hint...?

My life is mine
A beautiful, random gift
But where is the line?

Hesitate and lose
Tomorrow brings beginnings
Yesterday is dust...

What are you thinking?
I know only my own thoughts
Tomorrow, I die..."

In some ways, parts of me "died" during my trip - Other parts have slowly begun to transform. "Yesterday", more and more, truly is dust to me now, and tomorrow really is a new beginning.

For as weak and tired as I felt during the beginning stages of my trip especially, I found that I am much stronger than I have previously believed. I proved to myself that on my own, I can figure out how to handle myself in any situation whereas in familiar surroundings I might have given-up far too easily, simply relying on someone else to handle things. I proved to myself that I do still have the fire and passion necessary to go beyond the walls of my own fear and preconceived notions and step outside of my own personal safety zone... Make no mistake - Many of the rumors one may have heard about traveling in Mexico definitely have more than a ring of truth to them... It is also a very beautiful country to visit, and if one travels with an open mind and genuine respect for the people and the culture, one can have quite an enjoyable adventure along the way! I also had confirmed for me, that although I may be on my own, I am most certainly not alone, and on more than one occasion my ignorance was "covered-for" by someone arriving at the right place/right time to help when I truly needed it.

I experienced a few important "firsts" along the way as well:

- I saw (up-close and personal; not just from the window of an airplane passing over it) and swam in the ocean for the first time in my life ever.
- I traveled to a foreign country - by myself, not knowing how to properly communicate or navigate my way (call me crazy or stupid, but it worked for me...)
- Tried surfing for the first time (obviously)
- Camped for two-weeks in a remote and rather difficult to get to location, with no "safety back-up of any kind"; no emergency medical personnel standing by should something seriously go "sideways", and generally-speaking no quick or convenient way out if I decided I just couldn't "hack-it". Ya really kinda had to want it bad enough to get there, and just as much-so if you wanted to leave. Now - It wasn't all "life and/or death" or so remote or impossible to get there, but you had to have some kinda drive and desire to make the journey.
- Spent the night in a Mexican jail (completely unmolested by the way, and all of my belongings including jewelry and money were returned to me the following day). Previously, I'd never been arrested, nor had I ever been on the wrong side of the bars before... (Yeah, yeah - Details later - One of those wrong time/place/crowds to be hangin' with kinda things).
- Had my heart broken so completely, yet in such an honest and beautiful way... I have never in my life met someone as emotionally honest, loving, and "living in the moment" as the woman I had the rare honor and privilege of traveling with for a portion of my stay in Mexico.

There were a few other firsts as well, but it being my first day/night back an'-all, I'm more than a tad wrecked at the mo', so the rest'll hafta wait for another day...
Comments?
Time stands-still the moment you realize a critical, life-transforming change is about to happen.
The act of dying, or near-death experiences are not the only moments where one's life flashes before their eyes...
This act of stepping outside of my old, familiar "box" is similar in a way to death, as well as a beginning of sorts.
The time I've spent up here in the hills, has been demoralizing, and painful...
I hesitate to use the word enlightening, because I don't feel "enlightened"; rather I've faced some unpleasant truths and realized a few things about myself and the way I interact with and effect other people, and how I let them effect me.

Who you are, is you
Who I am; a mystery
The mirror tells tales...

Who should I believe?
What should I pursue, in truth?
Remind me; a hint...?

My life is mine
A beautiful, random gift
But where is the line?

Hesitate and lose
Tomorrow brings beginnings
Yesterday is dust...

What are you thinking?
I know only my own thoughts
Tomorrow, I die...
Comments?
Peacefully sleeping...
A beautiful butterfly
Dances in my dreams






...E 

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In darkness, it requires very little light to find a path,

(Though one may not be able to see very far ahead )

Whereas the sun reveals everything as far as the eye can see,

Walking in the dark causes one to focus more intently on where one’s feet are placed…

 

                                                                         



...E.  '08

 

 

 

 

Image: http://photoblog.dralzheimer.stylesyndication.de/photo/Darkness%20Inside

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Silence - No one here
Alone - Truly on my own
What did I wish-for?

 

Old feelings die hard(ly)
Has anyone seen the sun?
Can't find it today...

 

I wanted answers
Heart-in-throat; words were uttered
Then the clouds rolled-in...




Why did you find me?
Who sent you? Was it real?
You don't need my help...


Opulent. Prancing.
Rat-bastards all - Fuck you guys!
My peace is my own...




Care for a biscuit?
Wind stirring; leaves fluttering
Damn. My tea is cold


Stirrings deep inside
Restless and squirming; no peace
It's late - So am I...

 

The game is afoot -
Or rather, it's crushed my foot
Bloody-fucking-hell...

 


Goddamn bastard-fuck!
Just a term of endearment...
Really, you're the best!

 

Prove what to you and...?
Suddenly, I hear crickets
I stifle a laugh...



You MOTHERFUCKER!
MOTHERFUCKING-MOTHER-FUCK!
MOTHERFUCKING-FUCK!




Shall we play a game?
Why don't we make a new one?
No - I'll make the rules...


It's okay - Do it
I know you will anyway
Here, let me get that...

 

 

Why is it so dark?
There were no clouds in the sky,
A moment ago...

 

 

 I woke-up laughing
The sound grated on my ears
It was so… foreign

 

 

 I used to dream… things…
Or was it a butterfly,
Merely dreaming me?

 

 

 
What is this feeling?
This mixture of pain and joy?
A new beginning…




Soon, a Journey starts...
A beautiful, rhythmic dream
Dance, my butterfly...


 


 

 - E. Jones - 2008

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